Season 39 Midseason Power Rankings

Montreal Stars

Current: 1  Last: 2

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's 46-year-old cousin was the only one allowed to f#!k Julius Ramirez!

Charlotte Charlatans

Current: 2  Last: 3

Making their charge for the top spot, led by "King Kong" Conner Carbonell.  By the way, if the inhabitants of Skull Island built a gigantic wall to keep Kong out of their village, why the heck did they put in a door big enough for him to get through?  It doesn't make sense.

  

Los Angeles Colemans

Current: 3  Last: 9

The NL All-Star team to officially be named the Colewas.

Detroit Chippewas

 Current: 4  Last: 6

...or maybe the Chippmans.

Anaheim Arte Morenos

Current: 5  Last: 12

Old man Ossie Davis putting snot on the ball.  He's just gotta be.

Iowa City Johnsons

  Current: 6  Last: 1

Daryl Hartman looking to those Iowa cornfields for someone to ease his pain.

Tampa Bay Don Cesars

Current: 7  Last: 11

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's G5 pilot was the only one allowed to f#!k Clayton O'Keefe!

Honolulu Jackwagons

 Current: 8  Last: 5

Old man Louie Li putting snot on the ball. He's just gotta be.

 

Wichita Rocks

 Current: 9  Last: 20

Alexi Arenado hittin' 'em with the Hein!

Tacoma Tornadoes

Current: 10  Last: 10

Out of pure desperation, team wrapping their bats in barbed wire and calling them Lucille, (except for Benny Molina, of course.)

Jacksonville Minutemen

Current: 11  Last: 15

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's agent was the only one allowed to f#!k Mike Christians!

Santa Fe Brooks

Current: 12  Last: 8

Vicente Vasquez before each at bat; "This is my bat. There are many like it but this one is mine. My bat is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my bat is useless. Without my bat I am useless. I must swing my bat true. I must hit harder than my enemy, who is trying to beat me. I must outhit him before he outhits me. I will. Before God, I swear this creed: my bat and myself are defenders of my team, we are the masters of my enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen."

Fargo Marlboro Men

Current: 13  Last: 4


Hayes O'Brien hittin' 'em with the Hein!

Cincinnati Dawgs

Current: 14  Last: 7

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's maid was the only one allowed to f#!k Stefen Redondo!

Colorado Surf Riders III

Current: 15  Last: 14

Andy Lincoln hittin' 'em with the Hein!

Texas Wildcats

Current: 16  Last: 16

Ender Crespo hittin' 'em with the Hein!

Durham Bulls

Current: 17  Last: 26

James Nelson hittin' 'em with the Hein!

Las Vegas  Bookies

Current: 18  Last: 19

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's nanny was the only one allowed to f#!k Lance Elder!

Richmond Confederates

Current: 19  Last: 25

Troy Perez hittin' 'em with the Hein!

Scranton Rail Riders

Current: 20  Last: 17

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's personal chef was the only one allowed to f#!k Max Thompson!

Washington D.C. Senators

Current: 21  Last: 13

Old man Birdie Henley putting snot on the ball.  He's just gotta be.

New York Blues

Current: 22  Last: 22

Bats, they are sick. We cannot hit curveball. Straightball we hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. We offer him cigar, rum. He will come. (Erubiel Ramirez offered up some Cubans and a 33-year Glenlivet, apparently.)

Syracuse Barking Spiders

Current: 23  Last: 21

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's personal bathroom attendant (aka The Arse Wiper) was the only one allowed to f#!k Lon Giles!

Philadelphia Phoenix

Current: 24  Last: 18

Old man Edgardo Cruz putting snot on the ball.  He's just gotta be.

Boston Braves

Current: 25  Last: 24

Terrell Whitaker hittin' 'em with the Hein!

San Francisco Lockdown

Current: 26  Last: 28

In the words of the immortal Morris Buttermaker: "You guys swing like Helen Keller at a Piñata party."  (Excepting Ismael Escobar, of course.)

Milwaukee and Peele

Current: 27  Last: 31

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's 240-pound doppelganger was the only one allowed to f#!k Hugh Anderson!

Trenton Thunder

Current: 28  Last: 30

Fans are complaining that they'd rather watch cotton candy being made, or even watch a Medieval Festival than watch this group (excepting  Kendry Mesa, of course.)

Ottowa Dead Bunnies

Current: 29   Last: 23

Jerry Winchester  hittin' 'em with the Heeeeeeiiiiiiiin!

Pittsburgh Parrott Heads

Current: 30  Last: 27

I'm a big fan of the Jason Vorhees movies (even the one in space.)  Except the one in which he's supposed to take Manhattan.  90 percent of the damn movie takes place on a damn boat.

New York Bombers

Current: 31  Last: 29

In the spirit of coffee's for closers only, Sidney Little has been banned from partaking in any and all caffeinated beverages in the clubhouse.

San Jose Sea Slugs

Current: 32  Last: 32

No crying in baseball?  Oh yes.  There is.  Lots and lots of crying. (Except over Yadier Padilla, of course.)