Season 39 Midseason Power Rankings

Montreal Stars

Current: 1  Last: 2

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's 46-year-old cousin was the only one allowed to f#!k Julius Ramirez!

Charlotte Charlatans

Current: 2  Last: 3

Making their charge for the top spot, led by "King Kong" Conner Carbonell.  By the way, if the inhabitants of Skull Island built a gigantic wall to keep Kong out of their village, why the heck did they put in a door big enough for him to get through?  It doesn't make sense.

  

Los Angeles Colemans

Current: 3  Last: 9

The NL All-Star team to officially be named the Colewas.

Detroit Chippewas

 Current: 4  Last: 6

...or maybe the Chippmans.

Anaheim Arte Morenos

Current: 5  Last: 12

Old man Ossie Davis putting snot on the ball.  He's just gotta be.

Iowa City Johnsons

  Current: 6  Last: 1

Daryl Hartman looking to those Iowa cornfields for someone to ease his pain.

Tampa Bay Don Cesars

Current: 7  Last: 11

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's G5 pilot was the only one allowed to f#!k Clayton O'Keefe!

Honolulu Jackwagons

 Current: 8  Last: 5

Old man Louie Li putting snot on the ball. He's just gotta be.

 

Wichita Rocks

 Current: 9  Last: 20

Alexi Arenado hittin' 'em with the Hein!

Tacoma Tornadoes

Current: 10  Last: 10

Out of pure desperation, team wrapping their bats in barbed wire and calling them Lucille, (except for Benny Molina, of course.)

Jacksonville Minutemen

Current: 11  Last: 15

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's agent was the only one allowed to f#!k Mike Christians!

Santa Fe Brooks

Current: 12  Last: 8

Vicente Vasquez before each at bat; "This is my bat. There are many like it but this one is mine. My bat is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my bat is useless. Without my bat I am useless. I must swing my bat true. I must hit harder than my enemy, who is trying to beat me. I must outhit him before he outhits me. I will. Before God, I swear this creed: my bat and myself are defenders of my team, we are the masters of my enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen."

Fargo Marlboro Men

Current: 13  Last: 4


Hayes O'Brien hittin' 'em with the Hein!

Cincinnati Dawgs

Current: 14  Last: 7

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's maid was the only one allowed to f#!k Stefen Redondo!

Colorado Surf Riders III

Current: 15  Last: 14

Andy Lincoln hittin' 'em with the Hein!

Texas Wildcats

Current: 16  Last: 16

Ender Crespo hittin' 'em with the Hein!

Durham Bulls

Current: 17  Last: 26

James Nelson hittin' 'em with the Hein!

Las Vegas  Bookies

Current: 18  Last: 19

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's nanny was the only one allowed to f#!k Lance Elder!

Richmond Confederates

Current: 19  Last: 25

Troy Perez hittin' 'em with the Hein!

Scranton Rail Riders

Current: 20  Last: 17

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's personal chef was the only one allowed to f#!k Max Thompson!

Washington D.C. Senators

Current: 21  Last: 13

Old man Birdie Henley putting snot on the ball.  He's just gotta be.

New York Blues

Current: 22  Last: 22

Bats, they are sick. We cannot hit curveball. Straightball we hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. We offer him cigar, rum. He will come. (Erubiel Ramirez offered up some Cubans and a 33-year Glenlivet, apparently.)

Syracuse Barking Spiders

Current: 23  Last: 21

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's personal bathroom attendant (aka The Arse Wiper) was the only one allowed to f#!k Lon Giles!

Philadelphia Phoenix

Current: 24  Last: 18

Old man Edgardo Cruz putting snot on the ball.  He's just gotta be.

Boston Braves

Current: 25  Last: 24

Terrell Whitaker hittin' 'em with the Hein!

San Francisco Lockdown

Current: 26  Last: 28

In the words of the immortal Morris Buttermaker: "You guys swing like Helen Keller at a Piñata party."  (Excepting Ismael Escobar, of course.)

Milwaukee and Peele

Current: 27  Last: 31

Not in consideration for an All-Star spot?  I thought Kate Upton's 240-pound doppelganger was the only one allowed to f#!k Hugh Anderson!

Trenton Thunder

Current: 28  Last: 30

Fans are complaining that they'd rather watch cotton candy being made, or even watch a Medieval Festival than watch this group (excepting  Kendry Mesa, of course.)

Ottowa Dead Bunnies

Current: 29   Last: 23

Jerry Winchester  hittin' 'em with the Heeeeeeiiiiiiiin!

Pittsburgh Parrott Heads

Current: 30  Last: 27

I'm a big fan of the Jason Vorhees movies (even the one in space.)  Except the one in which he's supposed to take Manhattan.  90 percent of the damn movie takes place on a damn boat.

New York Bombers

Current: 31  Last: 29

In the spirit of coffee's for closers only, Sidney Little has been banned from partaking in any and all caffeinated beverages in the clubhouse.

San Jose Sea Slugs

Current: 32  Last: 32

No crying in baseball?  Oh yes.  There is.  Lots and lots of crying. (Except over Yadier Padilla, of course.)

Season 39 Quarter Season Power Rankings

Iowa City Johnsons

  Current: 1  Last: 5

Chick Schmidt has been excellent so far, with a 2.43 ERA and 1.24 WHIP, and has been averaging just over 6 innings per appearance.  That's all I've got at this point.  I'll keep you updated as the season continues.

Montreal Stars

Current: 2  Last: 4

Gary Rhodes has been very good so far, with a 3.29 ERA and 1.35 WHIP, and has been averaging just over 5 innings per appearance.   That's all I've got at this point.  I'll keep you updated as the season continues.

Charlotte Charlatans

Current: 3  Last: 17

Raymond Kinney has been dynamite so far, with a 2.76 ERA and a 1.14 WHIP, and has been averaging just over 7 innings per appearance.  That's all I've got at this point.  I'll keep you updated as the season continues.

Fargo Marlboro Men

Current: 4  Last: 10

Mo' money!  Mo' money!  Mo' money!  That's what Fausto Villarreal is going to be looking for when he hits the market next off season.

Honolulu Jackwagons

 Current: 5  Last: 3

The city of Honolulu is Phat, Dawg!  But Yonder Benitez has been seen rolling around town in a Yugo.

Detroit Chippewas

 Current: 6  Last: 6


Greetings from Tacubaya, Mexico!  Where friends and family of Aramis Javier  are witnessing an incredible start.

Cincinnati Dawgs

Current: 7  Last: 9

The Dawgs are certainly glad that Anthony Clark decided to put his Herbie Hancock on the dotted line.

Santa Fe Brooks

Current: 8  Last: 7

Greetings from Valdado, Cuba!  Where friends and family of Vicente  Vasquez are rooting him on to repeat as AL MVP.

  

Los Angeles Colemans

Current: 9  Last: 1

Greetings from Osaka, Japan!  Where friends and family of Seop Jiang are witnessing another legitimate run at an MVP Award.

Tacoma Tornadoes

Current: 10  Last: 13

Greetings from Moncion, Dominican Republic!  Where friends and family of Jair Jacquez are witnessing a fine follow up to his ROY season.

Tampa Bay Don Cesars

Current: 11  Last: 18

When drafted, Cam Franco had his heart set on playing Division I Hoops (even though he's 5'9").  He decided he was interested in signing a baseball contract after all.

Anaheim Arte Morenos

Current: 12  Last: 19

Kevin Hatteberg was afraid that he may upset team chemistry, but after talking with several teammates, he decided to sign.

Washington D.C. Senators

Current: 13  Last: 14

Rob Canseco looks to return to his slugging ways, after returning from a stint on the 15 day DL, [ribcage, strained.]  His makeup has had about as much to do with his rehab as DC's training department. Hope he can make a seamless transition back into his former role at the Big League Level.

Colorado Surf Riders III

Current: 14  Last: 12

Earl Schwartz has been excellent so far, with a 3.33 ERA and 1.22 WHIP, and has been averaging just over 1 inning(s) per appearance.  That's all I've got at this point.  I'll keep you updated as the season continues.

Jacksonville Minutemen

Current: 15  Last: 25

Terry Bolling has been dynamite so far, with a 3.13 ERA and 1.18 WHIP, and has been averaging just over 6 innings per appearance.  That's all I've got at this point.  I'll keep you updated as the season continues.

Texas Wildcats

Current: 16  Last: 15

I was going to make a Diamond in the Rough reference here, but I realized Ender Crespo wasn't a DITR, but a true steal in the 17th round.

Scranton Rail Riders

Current: 17  Last: 21

Scranton ran into a bit of a pickle when Luther "Uncle Luke" Campbell was activated from the disabled list.  A pretty good player had to be sent down.

Philadelphia Phoenix

Current: 18  Last: 22

Greetings from Seoule, Korea!  Where friends and family of Takuya Wang are witnessing a Cy Young caliber season.

Las Vegas  Bookies

Current: 19  Last: 16

Sammy Elster has been very good so far, with a 4.08 ERA and 1.13 WHIP, and has been averaging just over 5 innings per appearance.  That's all I've got at this point.  I'll keep you updated as the season continues.

 

Wichita Rocks

 Current: 20  Last: 2

We have some unfortunate news.  After averaging 101 wins over the past six seasons, the Rocks find themselves in last place, stemming from decreased baseball performance [hitting, pitching.]  Skeeter Nicholson is doing his part, however.

Syracuse Barking Spiders

Current: 21  Last: 26

Doyle Drew has been dynamite so far, with a 3.28 ERA and 0.97 WHIP, and has been averaging just over 1 inning(s) per appearance.  That's all I've got at this point.  I'll keep you updated as the season continues.

New York Blues

Current: 22  Last: 27

Ron Backe has been dynamite so far, with a 3.08 ERA and 1.14 WHIP, and has been averaging just over 7 innings per appearance.  That's all I've got at this point.  I'll keep you updated as the season continues.

Ottowa Dead Bunnies

Current: 23   Last: 32

Things aren't as bad as they seemed!  After finishing last season with 47 wins, the franchise is on pace for an increase of about 30, stemming from improved baseball skills  [hitting, pitching,] led by slugger Jerry Winchester.

Boston Braves

Current: 24  Last: 23

Hoss Renfroe has been excellent so far, with a 2.66 ERA and 1.01 WHIP, and has been averaging just under 1 inning(s) per appearance.  That's all I've got at this point.  I'll keep you updated as the season continues.

Richmond Confederates

Current: 25  Last: 8

Manny Iwakazi has been excellent so far, with a 2.27 ERA and 1.23 WHIP, and has been averaging just over 6 innings per appearance.  That's all I've got at this point.  I'll keep you updated as the season continues.

Durham Bulls

Current: 26  Last: 24

Manny Stuart has been dynamite so far, with a 1.31 ERA and 0.79 WHIP, and has been averaging just over 1 inning(s) per appearance.  That's all I've got at this point.  I'll keep you updated as the season continues.

Pittsburgh Parrott Heads

Current: 27  Last: 20

Fausto Torres here.  The other coaches and I believe  Nate Lanier could use a position change. Oh, by the way, have you ordered me the Tom Emanski fielding video yet?

San Francisco Lockdown

Current: 28  Last: 29

San Francisco Blowdown

New York Bombers

Current: 29  Last: 31

New York Stink Bombers

Trenton Thunder

Current: 30  Last: 28

Trenton Blunder

Milwaukee and Peele

Current: 31  Last: 11

I hope you're sitting down for this one.  After winning the title two seasons ago, the franchise is in last place.  Malcom Barker  joins a crop of excellent young catchers in the World.

San Jose Sea Slugs

Current: 32  Last: 30

San Jose Sh!t Slugs